FAMILIAR FEAR
BY MALAIKA KAMURE
A couple of days ago, on a group video call, a few others and I were asked, ‘is there something you have been putting off, if so, why?’.
At first, I had no answer. I could not respond. Behind my easy smile were traces of emotions awakening deep in my belly. I was so overwhelmed by this simple yet complex question, that I couldn’t pinpoint what I was feeling and why. As every second went by the feeling grew, getting more potent as I scrolled through the chat. It surprised me that these people I did not know, complete strangers to each other, were divulging their insecurities to one another. I hesitated, wondering if I should join in or sit on the sidelines. I pondered over if I wanted to take the risk.
After a few minutes of hesitating, I wrote down fear.
As I write this, I realize now that in different ways, we all wrote about the same thing. Letting these people see me without my veil of bravery, allowed me to see myself. Our confessions reminded me of how vulnerable it feels every time I release my work into the world. It evoked memories of self-doubt that have touched me countless times. It took me back to the days I let it engulf me. The moments when the echoes of fear had permission to fill my mind, creating lengthy breadcrumbs of doubt that picked away at my bold decisions. I remember the frustration that followed, the voices effortlessly tearing at my confidence.
It is a familiar foe, an unwelcome feeling.
My fear stemmed from feeling insufficient. I felt like my voice was an inadequate entity that did not have the right to be heard. I shivered at the thought of not being able to measure up to the great artists and friends I admired, who I saw fearlessly and confidently sharing their work. All I wanted was to do the same, but I was intimidated and scared. I would continuously ask myself,
Am I worth knowing? Am I good enough?
The hardest part of feeling this way, was that my fear also came from comparing myself to others. From a young age, I was put in the position where I had to compete with my peers to be acknowledged. It was programmed in my mind that if I did not do better than someone else, my contribution was not worth seeing the light of day, and my trying did not amount to or mean anything. As a result, my achievements had morphed into an unconscious comparison. It was a damaging way of thinking and going about life because nothing that lasts really comes from winning that competition. Only a fleeting satisfaction, that leaves you feeling unquenched.
It’s a burrowing feeling.
That’s why I want you to know, whoever you are, if you are afraid of putting your work out there because you are scared of being judged or feeling insufficient, don’t let the world place you against others like chess pieces on a board. When you are ready to let us see what you have to offer, remember why you are doing it. Do it with no one or nothing else in mind, and we will be ready to listen.
I’m cheering you on.